today

suddenly i feel a nagging urge to blog out feelings.
i have no idea why.
i feel like god is playing me or something.
i'm really tired.

i miss all my p6 friends.
i miss hnin.
i miss huaiyue.
i miss everybody.
just not me.

i know that we're drifting apart;
i could sense the gap inbetween us;
i tried to closen it up.
you know whenever we have this kind of chat;
my tears will fall.
because, somehow, when it comes to you,
i have no freaking idea what i should do.
i need help.
i need cousellor.
who wanna help me now you're gone?
seriously,
if this is about him.
because.
i know he cares a lot about you.
same as me,even more.
it's so ridiculous isn't it.
i really enjoyed every moment.
its like brenda and cherlyn now.
i feel like pulling all the plug.
I used to joke about our friendship.
how bloody ridiculous is that,
we could never meet?
i believed.
now i get all rigid.
jealousy? might be.
but i just want you to know.
i'll be there for you.
whenever you need.
sometimes i feel as if you pangsehed me.
seriously.
i didn't voice it out.
because everything we iron out things,
we end up fighting.
i hate fighting.
i hate the sound of violence in it.

i look back on my memories
sigh at how far i have gone.
from using intelligent english to simple english.
have my standards dropped?
i have no idea.
if there was a option to stop studying.
perhaps i will.
i love to get busy.
when i'm bored i can't do anything.

i'm scared of changes.
i have a fear of fear.
maybe i'm scared that things will never turn up the same.
i got self-pressure i admit.
i fear of losing.
really.
i cried when i thought about my mathematics.
i promised to do better each year.
i did,
but.
i lost all the friendship.

i'm scared of how ppl view me.
damn bloody scared.
i have this need for acceptance.
i wanna be accepted.
it's like i'm so out.
social outcast.
the only one maturing.
the only one with white hair.
because of my size,
i have been bullied.
&
sunken into depresssion and grief.
now i have shrugged off 5kg,
yet.. i feel not at peace.

i'm no longer the felicia i am.
the cheerful smiling girl you knew in pri sch.
has turned a girl hanging on a sad smile.
smiling fakely on the outside.
crying out on the inside.
i'm just a godknows puppet.
for other ppl.
i have no career options.
i dunno where i might go.
i wonder how i might fare.
go ite?
maybe.
i keep crying these days.
i miss the good old days.
catching in the caferia.
having good old fun.
sneaking out.
now it's all gone.
as plain as day.