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no fate, or pure concidence that it happened not once, but twice?
i'm still pondering.
when i look back, it just seems to be all my fault.
it happened once, but why did i have to make it again?
the same scenario happening all over again,
the awkardness talking,
trying to be thick-skinned and start the conversation,
what for?
doubting my actions.
it still become leng chang right.
why am i still bothering about it so much?
if they don't, why should i??
why should i make myself so embarrasing?
why must i give in 100% of the time?
why can't they just let me in for once?
why can't both parties just forget about everything and restart?
i don't get it.
why am i so obstinate?
continually sacrificing myself.
continually giving in,
so much that people expect me to give in,
so much that their efforts become less then sufficient to maintain the friendship,
i'm still human afterall.
why can't they understand?
why don't they know that i expect to be given in sometimes?
[interlude from sebby]
sometimes when they give in, we take it for advantage too..
then we forget that they actually give in once ..
you would want them to give in more times to cover up what they did.
[end of interlude]
once, and we spend our whole lives repaying that favour.
it sounds ridiculous.
it sounds dumb.
yay, felicia, you dumbass.

i'm sick and tired.
sometimes i just wanna give up,
since its not working out almost 100% of the time.
we still need to move on and get on with our lives right?
dunno, its just pure thinking.
..
now it seems like i'm losing more and more of my closest friends.
even random acquaintances,
losing contact,
not talking much,
silently ignoring each other's existance,
it just all boils down to a full straight line,
a fullstop,
end of story.

the meetings happening ever so regularly,
sometimes meeting through the same portal,
sometimes we meet each other through random events,
which ends up having a very good friendship with each other,
nurturing good friendship ties through years,
having very close relations with each other,
to the extent of being nearly a sibling..
and now,
it just ends,
as simply as it started.
what a regret.
what a joke.
what a waste of time & effort.

if you can't maintain a good friendship,
why promise yourself that you can?
why give yourself all these fake promises,
to convince yourself that you wouldn't be hurt again?
why trust?
why continue to believe other people's promises of friendship when you have already suffered the breakdown of a good friendship?
why?
can somebody just tell me why am i just so pining for the friendship back again?
why.
just why?

are friendships just that hard to maintain?
are they just so hard to continue all the way,
regardless of any hurdles or obstacles along the way?
are they just so fragile?
that they crack with every obstacle?
so much that they break when the texture of the fragility is unable to withstand the outburst?
then why do we still continue to hope?
why hope?
why the hope and the wish to have a good friend,
when all your lives are spent finding good friends,
building up close relations and breaking ties over small little things?
it seems hopeless, to the extent of jealousy.
i'm just so envious when i see ppl walking, chatting with their best friends,
talking like nobody's business,
going to work together,
speaking on the phone with each other,
gossiping together on the bus while sitting.
how do they just manage it?
is it that im just simply useless as a person?
so much so that im simply worse off as a friend?

No hope + No dreams = No disappointment.

what about relationships?
how can i simply request myself to handle a bgr,
when i have no confidence of even starting off the basics of starting a close friendship with somebody, and actually having both parties on both sides trying to maintain the close ties?
forget about bgr.
if i can't even settle friendship problems,
how can i even dream of having a bgr,
and trying to successfully end up happily-ever-after?

once it happened, it bleeded.
a open wound in the heart, just thinking about it,
made my tears subconsciously forming around the eyes and falling down.
the second time, it got worse.
my whole body felt like i couldn't breathe,
the air encompassing me like compressed air.

a fragile thing can never withstand cracks,
the cracks will never be mended.

"Break it once,and its all gone."

"Spoil a handphone and you still can fix it, it's still able to work as per normal. Spoil a friendship, and it's all gone. The crack is still there, no matter how many times you try to mend it."

nothing to comment about school,
complained alr.
(: