Title: My feelings - The Truth Behind It .
sudden a feeling come back.. it seem so real.. as it was just like yesterday.. the feeling of loneliness.. suddenly..its like the same old thing that happened to two of my good friends's friendship before..its repeating the same old pattern ..I'm kind of tired of the whole thing .. I talked to a lot of my close friends about this, some who already know that its not working out to be what it was in the beginning.. they keep saying that is there anything wrong with me cuz I kinda looked different..
I wonder what she is thinking now, since the cold war day , although both of us are on talking terms, we are not so close as before now , I dun wanna blame it on somebody , maybe its my fault. I dun dare to confront her about it , cuz I know it will lead to a argument and nothing will be ever resolved , making a deep strain on our friendship. Friendship can't be forced .. its kind of everything about us is breaking inside like a snowglobe. The whole world of us is breaking apart , into pieces of glass. I almost broke down in class the other day, but I managed to control my feelings until I went into the girl's toilet and wipe it off.
Its no point in me feeling upset, cuz nothing will ever come out of it. Maybe she is not the true friend I really expected her to be .. it even brings me to want to transfer out of shuqun. But I know that even if I transfer out, things will get worse and the same thing will happen again.
Its stupid , just because of a small little thing , our friendship is on the brink of breaking.. One thing I know ish , if our friendship can't pass this hurdle of obstacles, I can't do anything about it.
Now all I can do is to keep my mouth shut , ignore everything and focus on studies. I want to make a smiling mask on my face so that ppl can't see my true emotions and I want to make her happy with her current friend. Maybe its better that both of us are not close to each other anymore, it will make her pressurized if ppl confront her about it. I know that she is trying to ignore my feelings cuz my instinct says so.I rather she is happy den sad about the whole thing.
She totally changed .. there is nothing I can do about it . Jealousy , maybe .. haiz , its life ain it , you lose some , you win some. Maybe this time is my turn to lose something. i just need more time to settle it and put my mind at peace. I'll be there for anyone who I regard as my friend , I'll never leave them behind. I know its not possible to forget it , but at least there were happy moments together.. thats all that counts for me. I dun wanna care anymore, cuz I know I'll be more upset. Now everytime I remember it , tears start flowing..music is such a good thing for me.. =] listen to song.. take away my thought.. forgetting thing.. and soon i know.. i not going to care so much.. the more i care about the thing.. the more hurt i got..
social factor.. the friend thing.. all lead my mood so down.. sorry if i cant control my tear once again.. and i think the way of hurting myself dont really work sometimes.. soon i going to get sick of continue living.. soon i think.. have been trying so hard all this 1 1/4 year.. trying to pull myself back from the thought of saying bye.. again and again.. but it only place more burden onto me.. now i know.. it so easy to 'an wei' my friends when they down.. either due to love.. either due to study.. looking at myself.. i seem a failure,I can't do anything,I'm so useless , hopeless .. i only know how to 'an wei' others.. me leh? i just left myself to rot.. waiting for the death to come.. if really somebody who hate me is a real misa.. and really got a real death note.. how i hope she got.. so can write my name.. lolz.. by writting name is so much easy for me to just jump or use other method.. isnt it true? maybe will suffer abit.. but it just second.. and it could be done.. Haiz . I even thought about slithing my wrists , and getting bullimic or whatever , so that I can die faster , but my love for food prevents me from it. sighs.
I know that nothing will happen , so its kind of like , let things be. I really want to say thankyou to her, cuz she really made me enjoy the happy days together with her , even if it was just a short period of time. I know I'm stupid, to thank somebody who made me upset .. but its just like me. I want to thanks everyone who is continually supporting me physically , mentally etc. I know i'm kind of depressed now , but its okay. Just a few days will make me recover from it.
THANKYOU!
P.S. I duno why I suddenly want to write it all out , maybe cuz i want to get the buried memories out. anyway its just 2 3/4 year left for me in shuqun , I believe i can finish it and graduate from that school and have more happy memories with other ppl. Its not the end of the world yet , but I feel that its like the end of world. Its just a bad choice of friend . haiz .
I know I'll be a better person after this whole thing . Life's about picking up yourself when you fall .. and learning things from your own experience ..
