spaces, between us.

空白格
詞曲：Tanya Chua

其實很簡單
其實很自然
兩個人的愛由兩人分擔
其實並不難
是你太悲觀
隔著一道牆不跟誰分享
不想讓你為難
你不再需要給我個答案

我想你是愛我的
我猜你也捨不得
但是怎麼說
總覺得
我們之間留了太多空白格
也許你不是我的
愛你卻又該割捨
分開或許是選擇
但它也可能是我們的緣份

其實很簡單
其實很自然
兩個人的愛由兩人分擔
其實並不難
是你太悲觀
隔著一道牆不跟誰分享
不想讓你為難
你不再需要給我個答案

我想你是愛我的
我猜你也捨不得
但是怎麼說
總覺得
我們之間留了太多空白格
也許你不是我的
愛你卻又該割捨
分開或許是選擇
但它也可能是我們的緣份

我想你是愛我的
我猜你也捨不得
但是怎麼說
總覺得
我們之間留了太多空白格
也許你不是我的
愛你卻又該割捨
分開或許是選擇
但它也可能是我們的緣份

omg, so many things have happened since last blogged.
well, i became a blind mouse literally on thurs(:
i forgot what happened on wednesday,
i guess not much or else i would have remembered.
thurs, seriously sucked.
i couldn't see anything.
even though sitted at the front row,
it was so hard.
thanks mary for copying now el notes for me.
chinese was okay, because i had jean's help.
oh, wednesday, f&n got more work to do, sian pl0x.
maths, was screwed up.
keep finding daniel to help me,
cause didn't understand the climax of the problem sum,
cause cannot see ma.
blur sotong @_@
went to replace specs.
curses to that bugger who took my specs, if it's taken not misplaced by me.

took back results.
i hate it.
late twice,
first time in a year.
D:
due to bus 187,
screw it man!
bloody heck.
results were shit.
i wish i scored higher.
i wished that i had put in more and more and more effort.
what a difference from mye's results.
damnnit, i hate myself,
because the only thing i have worthy of myself is results,
nothing else.
how pathetic,
what a loser man.

principal challenge,
a utterly boring event.
it was like, run run run, stop, walk run, jog, run,
last few metres then chiong sprint.
i heard they say 7 more stops,
i nearly wanted to die sia.
then uncle samy say 150m left o:
then runrunrun.
saw one guy, he was on his phone lmao o:
i didn't expect any guy.
further up, saw yk they all walking.
lols, then run up,
saw three guys
runrunrun, so psps.
then take bus back home,
blur blur come up,
blur blur come down.

wanted to visit peps after short nap,
ended up sleeping 16hours,
disappointed mrs ting once again.
what a disappointment.

ytd tution.
didn't like it.
had to stay back.
started to ponder over things.

why some people can do whatever things they like even though they know that they are not supposed to do it, and just go on and do it anyway?
isn't it just finding trouble for themselves?
i have no idea.
maybe.

somehow, im feeling upset.
just at the very mention of bestfriends,
i can just simply cry.
what are bestfriends?
i thought, bestfriends were the friends who will stay by you, no matter what silly thing you do?
i have no idea anymore.
come back,
im just waiting for you to come back to my side,
to be my friend once again.

and this part is for CHERYL&IRENE;
IM NO EMO KIDDO OKAY.
im just voicing my thoughts out.
in this dead blog ^^
inshirah said, blogging reflects the true personality of a person,
and the blog contents don't seem to mix with my character.
maybe, you guys just don't understand me.
(:
it's alright.
you don't need to understand me.
because, it's useless.
i must learn to be independent.
and not to depend on others.

strive for goals,
aim to soar to greater heights.
i swear, i'll focus on studies
once im done with this momentarily enjoyment of watching shows&reading books.
sorry.
im just so apologetic.

talked with tricia kjj kenneth ytd on the phone.
i missed their voice,
no change though(:
good old days,
good old memories came to mind.
so strange.
im just a puppet,
being used up
then dumped.
great.
(:

sorry that i can't attend.
its just that im mentally unprepared.
its just a facade,
a felony created out of various emotions mixed up together.
(:

collected new specs,
i kinda look different i guess ^^
still nerdy though
wahahahas xD

what a parody.

my whole body ache like hell,
bruising all over.
stupid f&n.
just for the cooking examination,
i had to take not one, not two, but THREE bags -.-
one at the right, another at the left, and at the back? my actual schoolbag -.-
this is so sucky.
i got late (when i just said that i might get late the day before)
Hah.
got detention, didn't go.
i finished clearing up things at 3.
reached tution around 4+ to 5,
left at 7-8+

LOL, i have reached the phrase where i have been pushed, until cannot push alr.
too stress, until i even forgot what it felt not be stressed.
ridiculous.
i'm just so sick and tired of seeing the same old thing,
triangles repeating themselves in various forms and sizes,
using the cosine, sine, area of triangle,
remembering toa cah soh,
spending over five minutes pondering over the question,
figuring out what the bloody question is talking about.

today my whole body ache like hell
and oh great, because of the 'baking chicken' joke,
everybody around me keep asking me whether the chicken bake hao le ma.
-faint.
success though after all the efforts,
though the result at the end of 20minutes was UNCOOKED,
so cook somemore, cook at least 30minutes,
so my poor fried rice got slightly cold -.-

spent the second day with qing bin from shekou school, china.
he is damn intelligent lah.
-amazed.
he learned trigonometry by his own can.
and then things i dunno, he know lei!
-feels dumb.
okay, so it ended up HE TEACHING ME,
instead of opposite (sound strange)
for both maths and physics.
amanda was distracted by the sound we were racking,
discussing on how to solve the question and on the various formulaes.
i learnt how to speak density, melting point, periodic table, boiling point LEI!
(:!
so proud of myself,
except his so qianta,
ask me everytime he see me.
it was damn sad when i had to bade farewell to him.
he was quite a nice guy.
damn smart one.
recess, around the last 5minutes, brought him around the school,
just the outdoor classroom.
:D
the farewell speech went like this,
you're like a second mother to me ("feels old")
and,
i really enjoyed the times,
thankyou for bringing me around,
thanks alot for the welcome ..
so sweet can.
and i especially went to lower sec assembly.
he sang the 'I believe i can fly' song,
omg, nicenice lol,
except the part where he sing one line, ppl clap, until he cannot sing the whole song perfectly, hahahas!

watched the performance by 3express and 3normal academic,
damn nice,
damn "power"!
really look forward to their performance for us on thursday.

somehow, i keep finding myself tired.
i'm very scared that it will kinda affect my grades.
everytime i hear the result slip.
i get very tensed up.
it has gotten worse,
now my whole character is just based on 'results' and nothing else.
it used to be heck care for sec one,
im terrified that i will retain for sec two,
i want cry alr, for sec three,
so how about sec four?
die liao lah.
im bloody terrified of failing comb.sciences,
i wanted A1,
end up,
maybe i'll get C6.
):
stupid physics.

im going to prepare the gifts for the september babies,
more than half are completed alr,
just a little more :D
friday then can give them :D
happybirthday in advance ^^


somehow i feel very sombre and dejected,
its like,
nobody really treats me like a girl.
sure, im a girl inside out,
but its either, im one of the guys or im just one of all the random strangers you meet,
nothing special, nothing less, nothing more.
just another one of those commonplace people you meet.
nothing memorable,
just a fat and chubby girl,
oh and short, impatient and dumb.
a 'motherly' figure to all, quipped by ppl i know.
im tired of this image.
i have no idea how long this is going to last.

somehow i feel like emo-ing again.
:D
emo is the new cool, yeah baby.
what a fake quote.
it sounds so fake.
fake you.
fake felicia.
forcing myself to put in a smile,
trying to feel welcomed,
when i know that i don't really belong.
not even with kirin they all,
its like im isolated in a lonely desert island.
two ppl promised to stay,
but when they got tired,
they took their own boat and went away.
faking a smile, like anybody cares.
i feel upset.
like nothing is ever going to be the same for me.

sure, i will be there to support others,
behind them supporting them.
and what about myself?
the only people who promised and showed me signs of concern has already left.
im so terrifed to think that when i look behind,
there's nobody, nothing at all.

sure, i prefer loving somebody,
but sometimes, the heart pines to feel loved.
and yet i don't.
its like, you're just one of them thing,
nobody important,
nobody significant,
just another nobody.

i don't want to trust again,
i don't want to believe those words again,
i don't want to be taken in like a fool,
believing everything and ending up getting hurt in the end.

i don't want to believe anyone,
i don't want to trust anybody,
i just want to be alone.
i don't want to be the smiling fool,
who doesn't know what is going on.
or the obstinate person i am,
knowing that something is wrong,
yet fearful of changing actions,
scared of the consequences.

where is the old felicia?
i lost myself.
can anybody tell me where to find her back again?
i want go back to the past, where i had friends,
good close friends,
not isolated friends who abandoned me in times of need.

don't come in,
if you do,
make sure it won't be a empty promise.

sure, you don't hate me,
but i can't see that you love me either,
so lets just leave it at that,
before i cry.

bully me lor.
bully me as you like,
i got nothing for you left.
thats the only thing im useful at,
getting bullied,
nothing else.

if words could express my feelings, i would leave it blank.

somehow i have always envied people who are emotionless,
who don't let emotions go to them,
who is fine with everything,
who expects nothing in return for help,
it must just feel so good to be one of them.

go sleep, girl,
just go and sleep,
and nothing will happen.

sometimes i think,
if i had a option to sleep or wake,
the old me would say to wake.
the current me would say i want to sleep forever.
:D

Post

no fate, or pure concidence that it happened not once, but twice?
i'm still pondering.
when i look back, it just seems to be all my fault.
it happened once, but why did i have to make it again?
the same scenario happening all over again,
the awkardness talking,
trying to be thick-skinned and start the conversation,
what for?
doubting my actions.
it still become leng chang right.
why am i still bothering about it so much?
if they don't, why should i??
why should i make myself so embarrasing?
why must i give in 100% of the time?
why can't they just let me in for once?
why can't both parties just forget about everything and restart?
i don't get it.
why am i so obstinate?
continually sacrificing myself.
continually giving in,
so much that people expect me to give in,
so much that their efforts become less then sufficient to maintain the friendship,
i'm still human afterall.
why can't they understand?
why don't they know that i expect to be given in sometimes?
[interlude from sebby]
sometimes when they give in, we take it for advantage too..
then we forget that they actually give in once ..
you would want them to give in more times to cover up what they did.
[end of interlude]
once, and we spend our whole lives repaying that favour.
it sounds ridiculous.
it sounds dumb.
yay, felicia, you dumbass.

i'm sick and tired.
sometimes i just wanna give up,
since its not working out almost 100% of the time.
we still need to move on and get on with our lives right?
dunno, its just pure thinking.
..
now it seems like i'm losing more and more of my closest friends.
even random acquaintances,
losing contact,
not talking much,
silently ignoring each other's existance,
it just all boils down to a full straight line,
a fullstop,
end of story.

the meetings happening ever so regularly,
sometimes meeting through the same portal,
sometimes we meet each other through random events,
which ends up having a very good friendship with each other,
nurturing good friendship ties through years,
having very close relations with each other,
to the extent of being nearly a sibling..
and now,
it just ends,
as simply as it started.
what a regret.
what a joke.
what a waste of time & effort.

if you can't maintain a good friendship,
why promise yourself that you can?
why give yourself all these fake promises,
to convince yourself that you wouldn't be hurt again?
why trust?
why continue to believe other people's promises of friendship when you have already suffered the breakdown of a good friendship?
why?
can somebody just tell me why am i just so pining for the friendship back again?
why.
just why?

are friendships just that hard to maintain?
are they just so hard to continue all the way,
regardless of any hurdles or obstacles along the way?
are they just so fragile?
that they crack with every obstacle?
so much that they break when the texture of the fragility is unable to withstand the outburst?
then why do we still continue to hope?
why hope?
why the hope and the wish to have a good friend,
when all your lives are spent finding good friends,
building up close relations and breaking ties over small little things?
it seems hopeless, to the extent of jealousy.
i'm just so envious when i see ppl walking, chatting with their best friends,
talking like nobody's business,
going to work together,
speaking on the phone with each other,
gossiping together on the bus while sitting.
how do they just manage it?
is it that im just simply useless as a person?
so much so that im simply worse off as a friend?

No hope + No dreams = No disappointment.

what about relationships?
how can i simply request myself to handle a bgr,
when i have no confidence of even starting off the basics of starting a close friendship with somebody, and actually having both parties on both sides trying to maintain the close ties?
forget about bgr.
if i can't even settle friendship problems,
how can i even dream of having a bgr,
and trying to successfully end up happily-ever-after?

once it happened, it bleeded.
a open wound in the heart, just thinking about it,
made my tears subconsciously forming around the eyes and falling down.
the second time, it got worse.
my whole body felt like i couldn't breathe,
the air encompassing me like compressed air.

a fragile thing can never withstand cracks,
the cracks will never be mended.

"Break it once,and its all gone."

"Spoil a handphone and you still can fix it, it's still able to work as per normal. Spoil a friendship, and it's all gone. The crack is still there, no matter how many times you try to mend it."

nothing to comment about school,
complained alr.
(:

no fate, or pure concidence that it happened not once, but twice?
i'm still pondering.
when i look back, it just seems to be all my fault.
it happened once, but why did i have to make it again?
the same scenario happening all over again,
the awkardness talking,
trying to be thick-skinned and start the conversation,
what for?
doubting my actions.
it still become leng chang right.
why am i still bothering about it so much?
if they don't, why should i??
why should i make myself so embarrasing?
why must i give in 100% of the time?
why can't they just let me in for once?
why can't both parties just forget about everything and restart?
i don't get it.
why am i so obstinate?
continually sacrificing myself.
continually giving in,
so much that people expect me to give in,
so much that their efforts become less then sufficient to maintain the friendship,
i'm still human afterall.
why can't they understand?
why don't they know that i expect to be given in sometimes?
[interlude from sebby]
sometimes when they give in, we take it for advantage too..
then we forget that they actually give in once ..
you would want them to give in more times to cover up what they did.
[end of interlude]
once, and we spend our whole lives repaying that favour.
it sounds ridiculous.
it sounds dumb.
yay, felicia, you dumbass.

i'm sick and tired.
sometimes i just wanna give up,
since its not working out almost 100% of the time.
we still need to move on and get on with our lives right?
dunno, its just pure thinking.
..
now it seems like i'm losing more and more of my closest friends.
even random acquaintances,
losing contact,
not talking much,
silently ignoring each other's existance,
it just all boils down to a full straight line,
a fullstop,
end of story.

the meetings happening ever so regularly,
sometimes meeting through the same portal,
sometimes we meet each other through random events,
which ends up having a very good friendship with each other,
nurturing good friendship ties through years,
having very close relations with each other,
to the extent of being nearly a sibling..
and now,
it just ends,
as simply as it started.
what a regret.
what a joke.
what a waste of time & effort.

if you can't maintain a good friendship,
why promise yourself that you can?
why give yourself all these fake promises,
to convince yourself that you wouldn't be hurt again?
why trust?
why continue to believe other people's promises of friendship when you have already suffered the breakdown of a good friendship?
why?
can somebody just tell me why am i just so pining for the friendship back again?
why.
just why?

are friendships just that hard to maintain?
are they just so hard to continue all the way,
regardless of any hurdles or obstacles along the way?
are they just so fragile?
that they crack with every obstacle?
so much that they break when the texture of the fragility is unable to withstand the outburst?
then why do we still continue to hope?
why hope?
why the hope and the wish to have a good friend,
when all your lives are spent finding good friends,
building up close relations and breaking ties over small little things?
it seems hopeless, to the extent of jealousy.
i'm just so envious when i see ppl walking, chatting with their best friends,
talking like nobody's business,
going to work together,
speaking on the phone with each other,
gossiping together on the bus while sitting.
how do they just manage it?
is it that im just simply useless as a person?
so much so that im simply worse off as a friend?

No hope + No dreams = No disappointment.

what about relationships?
how can i simply request myself to handle a bgr,
when i have no confidence of even starting off the basics of starting a close friendship with somebody, and actually having both parties on both sides trying to maintain the close ties?
forget about bgr.
if i can't even settle friendship problems,
how can i even dream of having a bgr,
and trying to successfully end up happily-ever-after?

once it happened, it bleeded.
a open wound in the heart, just thinking about it,
made my tears subconsciously forming around the eyes and falling down.
the second time, it got worse.
my whole body felt like i couldn't breathe,
the air encompassing me like compressed air.

a fragile thing can never withstand cracks,
the cracks will never be mended.

"Break it once,and its all gone."

"Spoil a handphone and you still can fix it, it's still able to work as per normal. Spoil a friendship, and it's all gone. The crack is still there, no matter how many times you try to mend it."

nothing to comment about school,
complained alr.
(:

Post

maybe, i do need a guy.

whats the point of saying this?
no point.
LOL.
-laughs at self stupidly.

i'm so scared.
i'm so scared until i don't want to sleep tonight,
scared of the results.
very scared,
first time i am so frightened.
its like, nothing came out and came in.
my brain was just so, empty.
its' like nothing i studied came out.
what a loser.

i wish, there was somebody i could rely on.
who will be there for me,
no matter what, no matter when,
just be mine, and nobody else.
selfish me.
a wish that will never ever come true,
daydreaming again.

(:

maybe, i do need a guy.

whats the point of saying this?
no point.
LOL.
-laughs at self stupidly.

i'm so scared.
i'm so scared until i don't want to sleep tonight,
scared of the results.
very scared,
first time i am so frightened.
its like, nothing came out and came in.
my brain was just so, empty.
its' like nothing i studied came out.
what a loser.

i wish, there was somebody i could rely on.
who will be there for me,
no matter what, no matter when,
just be mine, and nobody else.
selfish me.
a wish that will never ever come true,
daydreaming again.

(:

Post

overall, can count as a happy day?
maybe.

..

last nite, cried.
it felt so weird.
my eyes hurt after the crying.
maybe, its because long time never cried.
i dont feel humane at all
maybe i'm just a freako.
somebody promised to have a shirt ready.
but, it was too late.
(:

thanks shi li sun nu, nithya mei for the concern.
loves<3.
i was touched by your concern..

weexin sun nu, cheer uppeh k.
(:

stared at the celling for awhile before dozing off for sleepland.
woke up, at 12.
freak-ed out.
thought i had tution.
so wasted one hour, calling and sms-ing up ppl whether got tution anot.
went for chinese tution, abit unsane, its like a dream.
i did badly, obviously.
my heart wasnt in it.
thinking, and thinking, and thinking.
terrified by the disappointment.
somehow i began to worry about my common test.
weirdo.

went to the library to chill out.
chilled for two hours,
best two hours of my life.
just read and read and read.

ate, watched television, prepared for the agar jelly.
damn, it was in such a mess.
i'm so tired after doing everything
worse part, this is only part one
still got part two due tomorrow,
part three due on monday, successful story please.
i know im a damn last minute person.
i wished, i didnt miss you.

..

end, (:

neutral mood, not too happy or too sad(:
the old bookworm, is alive.
just when i was about to find life meaningless.
doing the same thing, everyday, everytime.
without stress, i'm nothing.
too accustomed to stress.
without stress, i cant let myself go that easily.

freedom, is restricted.

if only, humans had a choice to stay emotionless.
(:

overall, can count as a happy day?
maybe.

..

last nite, cried.
it felt so weird.
my eyes hurt after the crying.
maybe, its because long time never cried.
i dont feel humane at all
maybe i'm just a freako.
somebody promised to have a shirt ready.
but, it was too late.
(:

thanks shi li sun nu, nithya mei for the concern.
loves<3.
i was touched by your concern..

weexin sun nu, cheer uppeh k.
(:

stared at the celling for awhile before dozing off for sleepland.
woke up, at 12.
freak-ed out.
thought i had tution.
so wasted one hour, calling and sms-ing up ppl whether got tution anot.
went for chinese tution, abit unsane, its like a dream.
i did badly, obviously.
my heart wasnt in it.
thinking, and thinking, and thinking.
terrified by the disappointment.
somehow i began to worry about my common test.
weirdo.

went to the library to chill out.
chilled for two hours,
best two hours of my life.
just read and read and read.

ate, watched television, prepared for the agar jelly.
damn, it was in such a mess.
i'm so tired after doing everything
worse part, this is only part one
still got part two due tomorrow,
part three due on monday, successful story please.
i know im a damn last minute person.
i wished, i didnt miss you.

..

end, (:

neutral mood, not too happy or too sad(:
the old bookworm, is alive.
just when i was about to find life meaningless.
doing the same thing, everyday, everytime.
without stress, i'm nothing.
too accustomed to stress.
without stress, i cant let myself go that easily.

freedom, is restricted.

if only, humans had a choice to stay emotionless.
(:

Post

I kept my mouth shut from the start
I guess I left you in the dark
You thought you knew me but you don't
You say you'll love me but you wont
When you find out who I am

I kept my mouth shut for too long
All this time you got me wrong
Now we're in this way too far
I'm about to break your heart
Tear everything we had apart

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore
I've had my share of closing doors
Now I know I'm not afraid
I know exactly what you'll say
But I'm sorry it's too late

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(I kept inside of me for all this time)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(Thought that I could make it work if I just tried)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(But I'm sorry to admit that I have lived a lie)

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

I kept my mouth shut for too long
Now I know that it was wrong

I wish I told you from the start
That this was never meant to last
We should've never gone this far

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore

-- The Veronicas "Mouthshut"

maybe, i should just accept fate.
Fate decreeds what is meant to be, and what is not meant to be.
looks like we just ain meant to be friends.

so hard, to believe that our friendship got strained just because of a few problems
is it, my fault?
is it because i simply can't be bothered to mantain friendships?
thats why all my friendships, be it close friends or acquaintances just break it off after sometime?
is it,
my fault?

common test part one is over.
(:
yay-ness!
two more to go!
chiong ba, ^^
i can do it!
believe in myself.

so ironical.
somebody once said the same thing to me,
and i didn't believe her.
...
i miss her.
come back to me, can?
i wish.
fat hope.

looking forward to monday.
ahhha! all the testpapers will be back by then!
don't worry, don't stress don't stress!

got back maths paper,
didn't do well, but frankly, better then expected.

its like my heart was beating, so fast when i saw the maths teacher,
sitting down, i was so nervous that i spilled water from my water bottle.
it's just a old problem that i can't rectify.
now inshirah and mary and all all angry at me ):
say i make them tense.
but i'm seriously am tense.
just at that moment, i wanted to dig a hole and bury myself inside.
either that, or find someplace.
one, a place that i can jump up and down, down and up, up and down, down and up back again, until i'm exhausted totally.
two, a place where i can scream out loud, and shout all that i want, until my voice is hoarse, whatever!

friendships,
are just that hard to maintain ..
felicia, watch your mouth. think before you speak, don't hurt others, don't give others the opportunity to hurt you either.

i don't want to get hurt anymore,
two in one year, is more then enough.
don't go close, i'll push you away.
my strong barrier can't withstand anymore outburst from the outside or the vulnerable inside..
sure i know, one day it will eventually break off,
but since i can i just want to have it, for a few more years.
no matter how strong i seem, it's just a facade.
if you know it,
inside me, is a badly damaged heart waiting for repair.
going to be repair, but the wound just open up and tear apart..

its okay if you don't want to tell me your closest secrets,
cause i'm scared that i'll get too involved in our friendship,
and end up getting more and more hurt when it ends.

i don't want that to happen,
ever again.

there's some people that i would like to say something to:

to irene & eiv:
IM NOT NOT EMO!
I'm humane ):
irene, xiexieni.
(:


to Asyraf:
thanks alot, i wouldn't know what to do without your encouragement. Though i don't approve of you setting such a low-self-confidence me as aim, i know you surely can do it. Do it once, and you can do it again. Jiayou! and all the best! Remember, there's this loner friend that will be there for you, no matter what. And thats' a promise! Strive for your goals and soar to greater heights! (:





-blank







promises, are meant to be broken,
who can assure me by giving me proof that, promises do stay?
friendships, are never meant to last forever,
eventually we all will separate one day, so why the pine in hope?
why giving us more reasons for further disappointment?
humane nature, will never change,
jealousy, envy will always engulf us.

i miss 2A'07.
time is passing too fast.
3/4 of the year is almost over,
and before we know it, we'll be saying goodbye to each other.
once again, sayonara, i'll miss you,
but do we really miss each other?
it seems like without anybody supporting us, we fragile humans will crumble, unable to stand up.
but when it comes to goodbyes,
its just one word, and you're gone from my world.

primary six, we promised to stay together, no matter what school or what stream we studied in.
but what happened?
eventually, the inital friendship become more and more cold,
now everybody is just random strangers.

"flames to dust, love to hate, friends to foes, acquaintances to strangers."

周杰倫 - 聽媽媽的話

小朋友　你是否有很多問號　為什麼
別人在那看漫畫　我卻在學畫畫　對著鋼琴說話
別人在玩遊戲　我卻靠在牆壁背我的ABC
我說我要一台大大的飛機　我卻得到一台舊舊錄音機
為什麼　要聽媽媽的話　長大後你就會開始懂得這種話
長大後我開始明白　為什麼我跑的比別人快　飛的比別人高
將來大家看的都是我畫的漫畫　大家唱的都是　我寫的歌
媽媽的辛苦　不讓你看見　溫暖的食譜在她心裡面
有空就多多握握她的手　把手牽著一起夢遊
聽媽媽的話　別讓她受傷　想快快長大　才能保護她
美麗的白髮　幸福中發芽　天使的魔法　溫暖中慈祥
在你的未來　音樂是你的王牌　拿王牌談個戀愛
唉　我不想把你教壞　還是聽媽媽的話吧　晚點在戀愛吧
我知道你未來的路　當媽比我更清楚
你會開始學其他同學在書包寫東寫西
但我建議你最好寫　媽媽我會用功讀書
用功讀書　怎麼會從我嘴巴說出
不想你輸所以要教你　用功讀書
媽媽織給你的毛衣　你要好好收著
因為母親節到時我要告訴她　我還留著
對了　我會遇到了周潤發
所以你可以跟同學炫耀　賭神未來是你爸爸
我找不到童年寫的情書　你寫完不要送人
因為過兩天你會在操場上撿到
你會開始喜歡上流行歌　因為張學友開始準備唱吻別
聽媽媽的話　別讓她受傷　想快快長大　才能保護她

:]

I kept my mouth shut from the start
I guess I left you in the dark
You thought you knew me but you don't
You say you'll love me but you wont
When you find out who I am

I kept my mouth shut for too long
All this time you got me wrong
Now we're in this way too far
I'm about to break your heart
Tear everything we had apart

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore
I've had my share of closing doors
Now I know I'm not afraid
I know exactly what you'll say
But I'm sorry it's too late

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(I kept inside of me for all this time)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(Thought that I could make it work if I just tried)
Yeah yeah, yeah yeah
(But I'm sorry to admit that I have lived a lie)

'Cause I'm feeling lost
When I'm in your arms
The reasons are gone
For why I was holding on to you
I tried so hard
To be the one
I don't like who I've become

I kept my mouth shut for too long
Now I know that it was wrong

I wish I told you from the start
That this was never meant to last
We should've never gone this far

Won't keep my mouth shut anymore

-- The Veronicas "Mouthshut"

maybe, i should just accept fate.
Fate decreeds what is meant to be, and what is not meant to be.
looks like we just ain meant to be friends.

so hard, to believe that our friendship got strained just because of a few problems
is it, my fault?
is it because i simply can't be bothered to mantain friendships?
thats why all my friendships, be it close friends or acquaintances just break it off after sometime?
is it,
my fault?

common test part one is over.
(:
yay-ness!
two more to go!
chiong ba, ^^
i can do it!
believe in myself.

so ironical.
somebody once said the same thing to me,
and i didn't believe her.
...
i miss her.
come back to me, can?
i wish.
fat hope.

looking forward to monday.
ahhha! all the testpapers will be back by then!
don't worry, don't stress don't stress!

got back maths paper,
didn't do well, but frankly, better then expected.

its like my heart was beating, so fast when i saw the maths teacher,
sitting down, i was so nervous that i spilled water from my water bottle.
it's just a old problem that i can't rectify.
now inshirah and mary and all all angry at me ):
say i make them tense.
but i'm seriously am tense.
just at that moment, i wanted to dig a hole and bury myself inside.
either that, or find someplace.
one, a place that i can jump up and down, down and up, up and down, down and up back again, until i'm exhausted totally.
two, a place where i can scream out loud, and shout all that i want, until my voice is hoarse, whatever!

friendships,
are just that hard to maintain ..
felicia, watch your mouth. think before you speak, don't hurt others, don't give others the opportunity to hurt you either.

i don't want to get hurt anymore,
two in one year, is more then enough.
don't go close, i'll push you away.
my strong barrier can't withstand anymore outburst from the outside or the vulnerable inside..
sure i know, one day it will eventually break off,
but since i can i just want to have it, for a few more years.
no matter how strong i seem, it's just a facade.
if you know it,
inside me, is a badly damaged heart waiting for repair.
going to be repair, but the wound just open up and tear apart..

its okay if you don't want to tell me your closest secrets,
cause i'm scared that i'll get too involved in our friendship,
and end up getting more and more hurt when it ends.

i don't want that to happen,
ever again.

there's some people that i would like to say something to:

to irene & eiv:
IM NOT NOT EMO!
I'm humane ):
irene, xiexieni.
(:


to Asyraf:
thanks alot, i wouldn't know what to do without your encouragement. Though i don't approve of you setting such a low-self-confidence me as aim, i know you surely can do it. Do it once, and you can do it again. Jiayou! and all the best! Remember, there's this loner friend that will be there for you, no matter what. And thats' a promise! Strive for your goals and soar to greater heights! (:





-blank







promises, are meant to be broken,
who can assure me by giving me proof that, promises do stay?
friendships, are never meant to last forever,
eventually we all will separate one day, so why the pine in hope?
why giving us more reasons for further disappointment?
humane nature, will never change,
jealousy, envy will always engulf us.

i miss 2A'07.
time is passing too fast.
3/4 of the year is almost over,
and before we know it, we'll be saying goodbye to each other.
once again, sayonara, i'll miss you,
but do we really miss each other?
it seems like without anybody supporting us, we fragile humans will crumble, unable to stand up.
but when it comes to goodbyes,
its just one word, and you're gone from my world.

primary six, we promised to stay together, no matter what school or what stream we studied in.
but what happened?
eventually, the inital friendship become more and more cold,
now everybody is just random strangers.

"flames to dust, love to hate, friends to foes, acquaintances to strangers."

周杰倫 - 聽媽媽的話

小朋友　你是否有很多問號　為什麼
別人在那看漫畫　我卻在學畫畫　對著鋼琴說話
別人在玩遊戲　我卻靠在牆壁背我的ABC
我說我要一台大大的飛機　我卻得到一台舊舊錄音機
為什麼　要聽媽媽的話　長大後你就會開始懂得這種話
長大後我開始明白　為什麼我跑的比別人快　飛的比別人高
將來大家看的都是我畫的漫畫　大家唱的都是　我寫的歌
媽媽的辛苦　不讓你看見　溫暖的食譜在她心裡面
有空就多多握握她的手　把手牽著一起夢遊
聽媽媽的話　別讓她受傷　想快快長大　才能保護她
美麗的白髮　幸福中發芽　天使的魔法　溫暖中慈祥
在你的未來　音樂是你的王牌　拿王牌談個戀愛
唉　我不想把你教壞　還是聽媽媽的話吧　晚點在戀愛吧
我知道你未來的路　當媽比我更清楚
你會開始學其他同學在書包寫東寫西
但我建議你最好寫　媽媽我會用功讀書
用功讀書　怎麼會從我嘴巴說出
不想你輸所以要教你　用功讀書
媽媽織給你的毛衣　你要好好收著
因為母親節到時我要告訴她　我還留著
對了　我會遇到了周潤發
所以你可以跟同學炫耀　賭神未來是你爸爸
我找不到童年寫的情書　你寫完不要送人
因為過兩天你會在操場上撿到
你會開始喜歡上流行歌　因為張學友開始準備唱吻別
聽媽媽的話　別讓她受傷　想快快長大　才能保護她

:]

Post

empty.
so empty.
how to fill it up?

Emptiness is often a painful experience or feeling.

In the painful sense, it is described as a feeling of numbness, inability to feel anything emotionally, or not having purpose. It can be better described as a situation where a certain lack or lacks in one's life overtake the emotional and mental focus in an obsessive, sometimes subconscious manner. Feelings of emptiness often accompany chronic discontent, dysthymia, [1] depression, loneliness, despair, or other mental/emotional disorders such as borderline personality disorder. It may seek expression through different types of self-harming behaviors, and in more extreme cases, suicide.


Today is one of those days, you know the kind I mean. One that just feels as though I am going through the motions, nothing engages me, I don’t want to do anything.

Emptiness is such a debilitating feeling - that feeling that you have no focus, no reason for being. That feeling that you are crying inside.

...
so true, just so plain true.

time to engage into activity :D

empty.
so empty.
how to fill it up?

Emptiness is often a painful experience or feeling.

In the painful sense, it is described as a feeling of numbness, inability to feel anything emotionally, or not having purpose. It can be better described as a situation where a certain lack or lacks in one's life overtake the emotional and mental focus in an obsessive, sometimes subconscious manner. Feelings of emptiness often accompany chronic discontent, dysthymia, [1] depression, loneliness, despair, or other mental/emotional disorders such as borderline personality disorder. It may seek expression through different types of self-harming behaviors, and in more extreme cases, suicide.


Today is one of those days, you know the kind I mean. One that just feels as though I am going through the motions, nothing engages me, I don’t want to do anything.

Emptiness is such a debilitating feeling - that feeling that you have no focus, no reason for being. That feeling that you are crying inside.

...
so true, just so plain true.

time to engage into activity :D

Post

unfair.
so unfair.
how could you be like this?
what do you treat me as?
...
i'm still a toy.
a toy for your own amusement.
want entertainment, playplay with it.
don't want liao, ditch it.
right?
have you ever considered my feelings?
how can you just do that?
how can you be so selfish?
how can you only think of yourself?
whatever happened to your inner apathy?
nevermind, i'm so disappointed in you right now.
there's nothing left to say to you.
since, i'm nothing to you.
just something that you can pick up and ditch
a disposable toy.


nevermind, it's okay.
i can live through it.
i can survive without you.
i don't need you.
get off.

changes.
have my voice changed without me knowing it?
weird.
it's like..
i don't sense any difference.
i thought its because we never talked for 9 months,
who knows,
it's really me who changed.

last time i used to be more crazy.
weird knowing that.
cause i'm already considered quite crazy.

i did a uber stupid thing.
i walked into the popular store to look for a nice wrapping paper.
ended up glancing at gifts.
then go counter,
pay money.
then i only realized i wasn't penniless, i had the 15dollars voucher.
-.- lmao lor.
going back home was like saying, felicia, you idiot.

in tution.
evelyn, eileen, huijia and ryan were making fun of my name.
felicia stands for happiness.
felicia, the shortform for felicity.
the most rofl-ing part about it all is that it's such a joke.
i'm no longer happy.
i lost the happiness, somehow, somewhere, i don't know where to retrieve it all back now.

life is such a joke.
"If you love somebody, let them go.."
i wonder which stupid bugger invented that stupid sentence.
cause it only brought about hurt, and more hurt, and hurting everybody.
if you love somebody, let them go.. and they will return when they are meant to be yours.
but what ever happens when you're not aware that that person likes you, and you end up letting them go, only to wait for years to find out that they liked you too, and that you had spent the last few years finding a partner, when the partner you were destined to be was just right infront of you?
how dumb.
what a joke.

happynationalday.

unfair.
so unfair.
how could you be like this?
what do you treat me as?
...
i'm still a toy.
a toy for your own amusement.
want entertainment, playplay with it.
don't want liao, ditch it.
right?
have you ever considered my feelings?
how can you just do that?
how can you be so selfish?
how can you only think of yourself?
whatever happened to your inner apathy?
nevermind, i'm so disappointed in you right now.
there's nothing left to say to you.
since, i'm nothing to you.
just something that you can pick up and ditch
a disposable toy.


nevermind, it's okay.
i can live through it.
i can survive without you.
i don't need you.
get off.

changes.
have my voice changed without me knowing it?
weird.
it's like..
i don't sense any difference.
i thought its because we never talked for 9 months,
who knows,
it's really me who changed.

last time i used to be more crazy.
weird knowing that.
cause i'm already considered quite crazy.

i did a uber stupid thing.
i walked into the popular store to look for a nice wrapping paper.
ended up glancing at gifts.
then go counter,
pay money.
then i only realized i wasn't penniless, i had the 15dollars voucher.
-.- lmao lor.
going back home was like saying, felicia, you idiot.

in tution.
evelyn, eileen, huijia and ryan were making fun of my name.
felicia stands for happiness.
felicia, the shortform for felicity.
the most rofl-ing part about it all is that it's such a joke.
i'm no longer happy.
i lost the happiness, somehow, somewhere, i don't know where to retrieve it all back now.

life is such a joke.
"If you love somebody, let them go.."
i wonder which stupid bugger invented that stupid sentence.
cause it only brought about hurt, and more hurt, and hurting everybody.
if you love somebody, let them go.. and they will return when they are meant to be yours.
but what ever happens when you're not aware that that person likes you, and you end up letting them go, only to wait for years to find out that they liked you too, and that you had spent the last few years finding a partner, when the partner you were destined to be was just right infront of you?
how dumb.
what a joke.

happynationalday.

Post

Mariah Carey - "Bye Bye" Lyrics

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

[Chorus]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Mariah Carey - "Bye Bye" Lyrics

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

[Chorus]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And soon as you reach a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

Post

i'm stressed.
i don't know what i am doing anymore,
everything just phewwwt and goes away one after another,
today abshiek (dunu correct spelling) and daniel stress me in ss sia
walao, i only use example nia, next time want stress, one person stress can okay,
i almost felt that i couldn't breathe.
it was just too much, this sudden pressure ..

dunno whats been going around, what's been going on,
i'm usually the last person in the world to know everything else.
i have gotten too used to the feeling of being wanted, being a friend,
so much that i can't get used to being neglected, being ignored,
that it's just me, and all along, it's all about me and my problems,
i ignored everybody completely, ignored their feelings, how could i..
hais

i screwed up, badly.
damn damn damn.
why couldn't i just control my fucking temper?
it's getting the better out of me.
i hate them.
who do they think they are?
how could they just do it, and just get away with it?
why couldn't i have controlled my temper,
it just spoiled my mood bigtime.
i'm no longer in any talking mood.

i discussed with jasmine after collecting the stuff..
dunno, it seems like just then im out, i dunu what im talking about..

what have i learned?
what have i applied?
it seems like all i do is just to listen.
and listen.
and talk.
and listen.
and talk.
i cna't stand it.

my brain is bursting out loud...
stress engulfing me.

monday, f&n, chinese spelling and physics.
great, woohoo -sarcastics.
how am i going to manage my BLOOODY TIME?
7/8 cooking competition, 4/8 hand in recipe?
WTH?
25/8 cooking examination.
12 - 21 common test.
screw it.

damnnit.
i hate myself.

..
after what she said,
i got no appetite for eating.
dunno why.
everything seemed just so distant.

friendships.
are they just as fragile as i thought?
one soft touch, and thats the end of it..
whatever happened to the word, forever?
forever friends, forever steaddie, foreverfriends?
it seemed too away for me to comprehend.

why do people just continually hurt each other?
why don't they just let go of each other?
why don't they just simply, forget everything else?
and just believe that it's enough to have such a friendship?
WHY NOT?!

i'm still missing her.
the empty void in my heart muses, and muses,
yet nothing is done.

what have i done?!
what have i learned this past few weeks?!
what have i practiced?!
nothing, practically nothing

i hate life.

i'm losing my mind.
deranged animal.

i'm stressed.
i don't know what i am doing anymore,
everything just phewwwt and goes away one after another,
today abshiek (dunu correct spelling) and daniel stress me in ss sia
walao, i only use example nia, next time want stress, one person stress can okay,
i almost felt that i couldn't breathe.
it was just too much, this sudden pressure ..

dunno whats been going around, what's been going on,
i'm usually the last person in the world to know everything else.
i have gotten too used to the feeling of being wanted, being a friend,
so much that i can't get used to being neglected, being ignored,
that it's just me, and all along, it's all about me and my problems,
i ignored everybody completely, ignored their feelings, how could i..
hais

i screwed up, badly.
damn damn damn.
why couldn't i just control my fucking temper?
it's getting the better out of me.
i hate them.
who do they think they are?
how could they just do it, and just get away with it?
why couldn't i have controlled my temper,
it just spoiled my mood bigtime.
i'm no longer in any talking mood.

i discussed with jasmine after collecting the stuff..
dunno, it seems like just then im out, i dunu what im talking about..

what have i learned?
what have i applied?
it seems like all i do is just to listen.
and listen.
and talk.
and listen.
and talk.
i cna't stand it.

my brain is bursting out loud...
stress engulfing me.

monday, f&n, chinese spelling and physics.
great, woohoo -sarcastics.
how am i going to manage my BLOOODY TIME?
7/8 cooking competition, 4/8 hand in recipe?
WTH?
25/8 cooking examination.
12 - 21 common test.
screw it.

damnnit.
i hate myself.

..
after what she said,
i got no appetite for eating.
dunno why.
everything seemed just so distant.

friendships.
are they just as fragile as i thought?
one soft touch, and thats the end of it..
whatever happened to the word, forever?
forever friends, forever steaddie, foreverfriends?
it seemed too away for me to comprehend.

why do people just continually hurt each other?
why don't they just let go of each other?
why don't they just simply, forget everything else?
and just believe that it's enough to have such a friendship?
WHY NOT?!

i'm still missing her.
the empty void in my heart muses, and muses,
yet nothing is done.

what have i done?!
what have i learned this past few weeks?!
what have i practiced?!
nothing, practically nothing

i hate life.

i'm losing my mind.
deranged animal.